TRUTH COMES OUT: Nature Valley Bars Were Invented by Ants 🤯
The shocking discovery that America’s favorite hiking bar was actually designed by ants is beginning to make a little more sense in hindsight. Who else would invent a hiking snack that’s designed to immediately combust into crumbs upon contact?
In a study of one man, David, only around 62.8% of the bar actually makes it into the average user’s mouth. The remaining 37.2% of the bar ends up as crumbs on a combination of “ground,” “crotch,” and “children’s heads.”
Which begs the question— why is this so-called “bar” so popular in America?
According to David— one of more than twelve million hippies who have purchased a bar this year— “I just like to crush it. I like to feel like I’m bigger than something.”
I suppose he has a point. Hiking is hard. But EATING like a hiker is easy.
“I agree with David,” says Susan, but Susan is not part of the survey.
At first glance, Susan may seem like a normal businesswoman— but this high-powered General Mills executive is actually an ant. An ant with an eye for deception. If you fell for the red pant suit, the larger-than-life persona, or the “dog mom” key chain, you wouldn’t be alone. But as of this Monday, The NY Times has confirmed that Susan B. Antsonme is in fact a bug.
This shocking truth bomb came out when Susan herself dropped the facade, believing that it won’t affect sales because Nature Valley bars are simply “too big to fail.”
…Easy for her to say— she’s a bug.
Stockholders are not so sure. They want to know who is the real Susan and why did she invent this hunk of brown chunks?
We talked to a local ladybug, Ronaldo, (they’re not all girls) who claimed to know Susan growing up. Apparently, she came from a humble log— a small bug with big dreams. Her now infamous granola bar franchise began with a simple yet challenging premise—
“how can we get hikers to drop food on the ground and pay us for the experience?”
Easy. We get these hippie hikers to identify THEMSELVES as “granola.” Then the crumbs will sell themselves.
But before she could go undercover and sell the idea, Susan needed the perfect product. While most conventional granola bars use liquid binding agents like egg, milk, & corn syrup, a close read of a Nature Valley Bar reveals the only ingredients holding the oats together are a combination of unconventional binding agents like “peer pressure,” “faith,” and a “Jenga-like stacking method.”
So the next time you open a messy nature-themed granola bar, advertised as the perfect snack for a grassy area, and it immediately explodes into a brown confetti of forty thousand crumbs, feeding hundreds of ants for free— just know that somewhere, somehow, Susan B. Antsonme is doing a big old thumbs up.