Nice!! A Live-Action Chris Pratt Just Dropped

I know what you’re thinking— isn’t the original Chris Pratt already live-action?

No.

“Live-action” is a phrase that means 3D animated film.

Following the success of The Lion King, Jungle Book, and Aladdin, the live-action Chris Pratt is set to take a well-known (profitable) character and make him seem more like a three-dimensional person!

All we have right now is concept art but the graphics look STUNNING. It’s no surprise that the animation budget on this live-action feature is over $100 million!

Don’t get too attached though— the studio backing the project, Paramount Minus, is currently deciding whether they want to keep the current white Chris Pratt (above) or make a new one that pisses everybody off.

“A Polynesian Chris Pratt would really make me feel represented on screen”

—nobody

The Parks & Rec star, once called Time Magazine’s “Approachable Hottie of the Year,” now receives more hate-mail than Bowser. After appearing in many controversial roles like Mario, Garfield, Jurassic Guy, and Republican, Pratt is now questioning whether playing himself might actually be harmful to his career.

When I was lucky enough to sit down with mister Chris in his modest 12-story townhouse, he pondered the casting choice over a protein shake that he wouldn’t let me taste.

“I’d rather cast a blue-collar American or a big cop to play me,” said Pratt, knocking a stack of cash off the coffee table by accident, “honestly any old idiot could play me just fine!”

When I asked Chris about the #PolynesianPratt idea that was trending online, he said he had to shower and promptly asked me to leave.

Regardless of what you think about the threat of remake culture to the future of filmmaking, there’s one thing we know for certain— the most popular Halloween costume next year is definitely gonna be a Slutty Chris Pratt! So get out your khakis and questionable political views, ‘cause it’s time to make some risk-averse movies that aren’t technically art!