CLASS-ACTION LAW SUIT: If Your Son Beat You at Mario Kart, You May Be Entitled to $40,000

The Law Firm of Abogado & Ferguson has filed a Class-Action Lawsuit against Nintendo for over 18,000 documented cases of sons beating their fathers in Mario Kart games.

“The emotional damage is irreparable and divorce is quite common. Many fathers just can’t handle the stress of an intergenerational upset at Moo Moo Meadows.”

If your son also beat his grandfather— dismantling his masculinity on Rainbow Road— you may be entitled to double-damages.

Many fathers feel the placement of blue shells was “quite targeted,” and the distribution of bullet bills to the back of the pack makes the game “anti-capitalist” in a way that should be more clearly advertised on the box.

One father’s emotional breakdown on the witness stand felt like a red-shell to the heart for everyone he represents:

“Ever since they introduced Baby Mario, I knew they were turning against us. The marginalization of adult men is out of control. If I can’t— [sob] If I can’t lap my son in Luigi’s mansion… then I don’t know who I am anymore…”

According to Abogado & Ferguson, whether or not the game was intended to threaten the patriarchy is irrelevant to the case. The damage is done either way.

IMPORTANT ELIGIBILITY NOTICE:

If your son is over the age of 21, you are not eligible for this lawsuit because that loss is considered a “rite of passage” in the video game community.

If you lost to your daughter at Mario Kart, please call 9-1-1 immediately for emergency medical attention. Symptoms such as fainting, heart attacks, and suicidal ideation are common yet discouraged.

Cases that occur after the lawsuit will not be considered due to the new warning Nintendo has put on all relevant game packages:

*Mario Kart is now rated M for (Emotionally) Mature. Nintendo is not responsible for Ego Damage, Custody Battles, or Alimony Payments resulting from underaged victory.
Play at your own risk.

In response to this epidemic, The Administration for Children & Families has issued a recommendation that fathers should henceforth stick with the safer route of simply playing video games in front of their children, which is bound to impress and delight them to no end (with no risk of losing).

In all seriousness, Mario Kart is a dangerous game for families, friends, and the fragile male ego. Remember, that new “M for Mature” rating is a minimum on emotional intelligence, not age.

Drive safe, daddy-o’s.