Oh no! You’re White and You Just Bowled a Strike! What do you do with Your Body?
It’s Saturday night and you’re at the bowling alley with your work friends, Ted, Bill, and Susan. Not to mention Fred. And then a bittersweet victory occurs— you just bowled a strike! The excitement turns to panic as you turn around and realize everyone’s looking at you expectantly.
The black light at the local Pin Jockeys hits you like a spotlight, and the 8 feet of hardwood between you and the chairs suddenly feel like a massive stage. As your peers cheer politely, waiting for the customary celebration dance, your Caucasian Hips and Intergenerational Awkwardness suddenly set in. Desperate to avoid dancing in front of your peers, you try to remember that Peter Pan monologue you learned in middle school drama, but doggone it, the words are eluding you— something about “boy island?” No, there must be another way… You need a charming celebration that’s easily achievable by your awkward white body.
We’ve got you covered.
Here’s 11 Perfect Bowling Celebrations for Awkward White People
1. The “Group High-Five”
The sloppy little thuds of too many fingers and wrists clattering off each other will never make a slapping sound. Trust me. It’s awful. No good can come from this. HOWEVER, sharing the awkwardness is great— much better than my last strike celebration, where I realized I couldn’t do the worm after 2 and a half minutes of wriggling.
2. The “Moment of Silence”
This counterintuitive celebration is a super approachable option for all you introverts out there! Taking a moment of silence for the fallen pins is both classy and badass, making you the Sylvester Stallone of bowling!
And the execution is simple: As the pins hit the floor, quickly suck all the energy out of the room. Then initiate a nice, healing moment of silence that can last anywhere from 30-45 minutes.
3. “The Bonk”
In the thrill of the moment, you may be looking for something to do with your hands. Boy, have I got the solution for you! Bonking yourself on the head with a 12-14lb bowling ball is always good for a nice laugh!
EDIT: The bonk celebration should be a *light to medium whap on the head. DO NOT fully clonk, chonk, or blunder yourself. Bowling balls are made of HEAVY, colorful metal or something, and The Slam Zone is NOT responsible for any hospital bills associated with an overzealous bonk to the head!
4. The “Disgruntled Sportsman”
As you head to your chair after knocking down all the pins, just mutter to yourself darkly:
“I should’ve hit more…”
Acting pissed after a strike (the best possible outcome) will make your friends think you are an insatiable beast with the highest standards in town. For good measure, take out a journal labeled STEPS TO EXCELLENCE, and begin scribbling in your diary furiously as your friends watch on in awe.
5. “What’s in here?”
You’re absolutely welcome to shake your ball around and say “uh oh guys, I think there’s something in here!” You will be SHOCKED how much your friends love this. If you’re all hopped up on Sprite Zero, you could even double down and say “no really guys, I think it’s an about to hatch!” And your friends will go absolutely ape shit for this. Plus, It’s a great way to move the attention from you to your ball. 10/10.
6. “I’m Shy!”
Look at that! Your fear of the spotlight brought your whole Mormon Youth Group together!
7. “I like soccer better”
What a peacock you are! Stomping the crap outta that ball like that famous Portuguese soccer star, Christian Ronald! This is a great way of saying to your friends “this isn’t even my main sport, guys.”
EDIT: Don’t stomp the ball that hard guys. It should be a *medium to heavy stomp to make sure it’s funny, but a very heavy stomp is totally off limits! The Slam Zone is not responsible for your “underwater ankle rehab” just cuz you freaked out on lane 6 and “stomped with both feet.” 🙄
8. “How’s your new job?”
Clever. Right as your friends start to cheer, immediately ask a pointed question to Rachel. Now the pressure’s off you entirely, as Rachel describes exactly what it’s like to “spank tourists” for a living.
9. “Get up here, babe!”
If you’re not comfy in the spotlight, ask your girlfriend to join you! You can admire the pins together, even if you’re not ready to walk down the aisle yet ;) Now you’ve turned a sports moment into a romantic memory that you’ll both cherish forever.
*EDIT: Many Slam Zone readers who don’t have a girlfriend thought they could “summon one” by simply saying “Get up here, babe!” after a strike. While some folks meet the love of their life this way— be warned, results may vary.
10. Quit.
Smart choice!
It’s never gonna get better than this. Even if it’s the first frame of the day, just leave at the top of your game and die a legend. ✌️
Hope this list of alternative bowling celebrations makes your next strike a less mortifying experience! Enjoy the nice greasy lanes and absolutely rock on!
— This article was written by The Slam Zone’s full-time bowling correspondent, Joseph Balls. If you have any bowling news, please PLEASE tell him.
joseph_balls@slamzone.com