Did Dave & Buster’s just SOLVE The Male Loneliness Epidemic? 😷

“One of the biggest and only causes of the male loneliness epidemic is the discomfort other people feel at talking with assholes” says Jessica Ribbit, Yale Professor on Male Pattern Rudeness, “But Dave & Buster’s provides the perfect solution for that because you can’t really hear them.”

Amidst the flashing lights and ringing bells of a busy Dave & Buster’s, Professor Ribbit strides the aisles with confidence, observing men in their natural habitat like Jane Goodall with the chimps.

“Take this man, for example, he’d probably be unbearable at a dinner party.”

She’s referring to a test subject next to her labeled “Todd Glasses.” He’s wearing a custom Pistons jersey that for some reason says “Michael Vick” on the back. Oblivious to our conversation, Todd continues his pop-a-shot game chucking basketball after basketball as hard as he can into the backboard.

“That’s how we do it on Jersey City JV!”

Todd appears to be in a fugue state, reliving the glory days of a junior varsity basketball game that must’ve been at least 40 years ago.

“Being overly competitive at children’s games has provided countless hours of ‘joy’ to the mentally unwell,” Professor Ribbit explains, patting Todd on the back.

She tosses him a chicken wing from her bucket and he gulps it down in one bite like one of those freaks in Jurassic Park.

“Coach O’Connell never played me cuz he didn’t value the versatility of an undersized big man,” Todd chirped between belches—

But Jessica turned on her heel and guided me down the aisle before Todd could finish his story…

“Dave & Buster’s is also the ideal venue for what we in Male Studies call WAWA — Walking Away Without Acknowledgment.”

At any point in time in a Dave & Buster’s arcade, you can just stand up, look off into the distance, and walk away from an obtrusive man without seeming rude or even assertive. In fact, the same men who would be appalled by your audacity for walking away from them in a strained bus stop interaction would actually applaud your tenacity in a Dave & Buster’s as you stride away quickly to your next arcade game!

“The fragile male ego finds comfort and a presumption of dominance in the low-stakes environment of an arcade that rewards both skill & luck equally with a variety of small prizes.”

We arrive at a secluded corner of the arcade where some of the older gentlemen seem to gravitate.

“We can visit them here,” says Professor Ribbit wistfully, watching an old man in a MAGA hat cheat clumsily at skeeball. As he crawls slowly up the ramp, I notice his name tag: Jessica Senior.

As a testament to her faith in her research, Jessica’s own father is part of the case study here on male loneliness at the Jersey City Dave & Buster’s.

“High score…” he mumbles, as he slides back down the skeeball ramp and slumps to the ground. Jessica wipes a tear, and tries to help him up.

It’s right there in the name— Dave AND Buster’s. That modest little ampersand may have the power to reconnect men with their community in a way that’s much safer for everyone involved.

God help us all.